Rollercoaster

Rollercoaster.jpg

Someone recently gave me a swift punch in the face instead of a nicer, more eloquent, ease-me-into-it nudge.

Figuratively, of course. But damn, it hurt.

Turns out we all have a lot of shit going on in our lives. We all freak out from time to time. And the ones who you want to reach out a hand and pull you out of the muck aren’t always capable of it for whatever reason. Sometimes, no matter how much you just want someone to fix you, you simply have to figure it out on your own. 

You’ve gotta pull yourself out of the damn muck.

It took me a swift punch in the face to wake up to the reality that I have to be prepared – and satisfied! – if my whole world turns upside down one day. That all the parts I thought would be there forever just might not. And maybe I should take inventory from time to time. Maybe I should make sure I’ve got a good grip on me… Just in case. Like an earthquake kit.

(I should definitely invest in an earthquake kit.)

I originally stopped writing because I seriously didn’t have the time. I was starting a business. I was working a job on top of it. I was exhausted. I had no creativity left in me after the day was done.

Then things got tough, and I didn’t write because I was trying to keep it all together. No one wants to talk about trying to keep it all together. I couldn’t even imagine the things I’d have to say. No one would want to read them.

When I admitted that I needed to take a different path, I still didn’t come back to writing. My ego was horribly bruised. All I could think of was that I had “failed”. In my business. In keeping up my side of the finances. In breaking out on my own and starting something cool and fun. I went back to work with my tail between my legs.

And lately, when my next path pulled me out of the darkness, when I got back my footing… I didn’t start writing again because I wasn’t sure what it was all about anymore. I just wanted to write happy things like I used to, and I couldn’t find that part of me that was really excited about anything. I wanted my reemergence into this blog that I love to be shiny and void of all of the guilt and frustration I felt. I struggled to find a clean, fresh start.

Recently, I’ve had some great people in my life ask me some even greater questions. And those questions have stirred something in me. They’ve forced me to face what I was trying to hide or pretend never happened. They forced me to look at myself and figure out what I love and what I don’t. Why I’ve done the things I did and what I gained from it all. They’ve offered me the opportunity to be introspective and think about what is best for me. Where I want to be heading. Peace of mind that I can survive any storm, any ride – and that I’m happy. What does my earthquake kit consist of?

Someone told me today, “Stop waiting for the rollercoaster to stop. Declare that something has to change.”

So here I am. Fresh start.

There are still going to be ups and downs and back wards and forwards and upside down loop-de-loops. I have decisions to make and plans to define, but I need to stop delaying and declare that I must start again. I’ve got to run alongside the car and jump in while it’s still rolling on the tracks. Because it’s never going to stop. Life isn’t going to slow down and stop happening so I can think about things or feel better about what path I’m on. Punches are going to keep getting thrown. I don’t want to wake up in six months and still be stuck where I am. I want to keep moving forward.

You’ll be seeing a lot more of me around here.

Step one. Complete.

xoxo

 

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